Nuts

I love sweets! They are amazing! I luv them so very much I think I may be a reincarnated hummingbird. Seriously!

There is a woman in my office who makes these sinful cookie treats.  She brought these buttery sugary yummy snacks in for our Holiday gathering.  Unfortunately, they where topped with walnuts.  I deplore nuts.  I think they are discussing in all ways.  BUT, I want the cookie snacks.  So, take them anyway and mentally think I will just pick them off in the privacy of my office and toss them out.

To my dismay, the stupid things wont pick off without taking the buttery, sugary goodness off.  What am I to do?  All voices agree, pick the gross things off and suck the delightful sugar/butter off & spit out the nasty walnuts into the trash can.

So, I follow through with this plan.

Another co-worker happens by my office, stops and demands “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”

I look up.  My cheeks are all puffed full of walnuts I am busy suckling and without second thought utter a horrid statement.  “oh, just sucking the sticky goodness off my nuts!”

This poor woman almost had me call 911.  She laughed out loud so hard tears ran down her face and she momentarily stopped breathing.

Oh the things that come out my mouth worry me, or as she said the things in my mouth have her worried! 

Father's Brother

So, now we know my daughter does not have a twin.  But my father does have a brother who looks very much like him.

This being said, that store where daughter thought she saw her twin, my father thinks he sees his brother! 

Daughter and my father go to the store to make a shirt for the BIG GAME!  Father is looking around when daughter says, “Oh yea gpa, this is where I discovered I do not have a twin!”  Father replies to her, “It’s ok kiddo, I thought my brother was in here!”

It must be a family thing!

Oh the things I heard this wkend

#1 is “I have a real hard time with the fact that I spend the night with a woman, who has crabs in her bedroom & doesn’t care who knows. “ (This needs to be followed up with they are caged Hermit Crabs on my nightstand.)

# 2 A definite OMY for the weekend was when I was cozy up under my blankie because its chilly in the house.  My pal climbs under the with me.

I hear, “Wow your feet are so cold, even in socks!”   Ummmm, not wearing any. Yup time for a Pedi for sure!!!  Text goes out to my Pedi Partner pleading for a date!

#3 is a text “I totally understand and BTW- I have ur panties” (I know what this sounds like, but I found it to be very amusing! I had to leave in a hurry and hardly said goodbye to my overnight host.  I got dressed in a rush.  Now, if you read my blog you have read I am a commando more than not type of person.  So when I busted a move getting dressed in the morning, they were simply forgotten.)

All my little voice call for a meeting.

Voice 1 who always says, "Be polite your mother raised you to be a nice person!"  Is now streaming about how things like this can be taken wrong and what will people think??

 Voice 2 always reminds me, "Your mother raised to say nothing at all if you have nothing nice to say." Has me angry, because I am not talking here!  My friends are talking, why do I get the lecture???

Voice 3 is saying in an annoyed voice, Man oh mercy, Why do I put myself in a place for this sort of embarrassment?  Seriously, HOW OLD ARE YOU?

Voice 4 pipes in, having perpetual PMS, is snapping out bad words at the thought of people laughing at my expense.

Voice 5 comments are filled with quotes such as, smiles take less muscles and laughing burns more calories than crying.

Voice 6 is yet again the winner in my heads round table discussion.  I shall BLOG it for all to laugh at and move on!

Commando Shopping is not Advised

I learned the hard way that if you are wearing sagging pants you should definitely not go commando!  My new found wisdom was learned through a slightly horrifying shopping moment.

My mother and I went holiday shopping together at a local sporting goods store.  I happened to have on a pre-zumba pair of jeans.  They were  “sagging”…

A large box of 5000 paintballs needs lifted off the floor.  The pants in question where sagging a bit too low on my hips.  I bend with my knees and lifted with my legs, and rip went  the seam!!!

At this point I hear my mother gasp, and the man in the row choke.  As I leap to an up rite position, mother says “Hunny, you might want to ask Santa for jeans that won’t sag and some panties!!”  I turn to see if the male had left the area, but no he is still just standing there mouth gaping…. 

Oh the voices where having fun in my head!!   The 2 voice that are always echoing mother says are silent because mother is there & actually speaking her mind. Voice 3 is just plain annoyed as usual, because now I need to go home before planned and that is simply not in the time frame for the day.  Lil voice 4 with her Perpetual PMS is squawking about how stupid are you??  I told you these pant needed to go last time you wore them.  They are 2 sizes too big and look like you dropped a load in them after five minutes of wear.  Voice 5 is clueless on how to be nice at this moment & is stunned into silence.  Voice 6 will win again today, because the smarty pant thought was uttered….WOW….Who knew while lifting my balls off the ground I’d become an instant porn star in aisle 3!!

At this point the random man bolts, my mother shakes her head & I just pull my hoodie down a little bit.  I was on a mission, Shopping needed to be done, The breeze was cold but I was over the entire thing, Until I had one last fleeting thought while leaving the store as I read the bright red sign.  WARNING UNDER IN-STORE SURVEILLANCE. Yea right! I am sure my @$$ which was under in-store only video surveillance will be a point of laughter on YOUTUBE or some other website..

Bell Wind Chime

Just so it is out there, THIS is not by any means meant to be racially or politically incorrect!!!

My darling daughter has a passion for little clay Mexican People Bells.  I have no clue why either, she just does.

I found 4 of them on a stick, sort of like a wind chime.   Super pleased, I bought them to give her as a gift.  I return to work to tell the gals in the office about my purchase.  I have obviously made them all really wonder about my sanity now….

I say yea me! I just bought my daughter 4 little Mexicans and look they have little ding-a-lings hanging out their pants.. quickly rephrased to the feet are the ding-a-lings, to Oh my, look they are bells. Slinking away now….

2^nd speak before thinking about it is when I call my father and ask him if he has a small ceiling hook I may have.  He inquires, what for?  I beam proudly, to hang these 4 little Mexicans from daughter’s bedroom ceiling…TO WHAT??? Yea dad, I got 4 Mexican’s I want to hang in her room as a surprise, they are all lined up on this stick right now… Suddenly I realize how awful this sounds so I snap a picture and send it to him so he can see the Mexican Bell Wind Chime from Cancun… My hook is delivered later that evening.

Someday, I promise I will start to think before I speak, but no promises on when this will happen though!!  Trust me, all the little voices in my head where rolling around laughing at how bad I can make somethings sound!!  Except PMS, she was all like "What?! It ain't you girl, it is them!!" Still think she might just be my favorite voice :)

Craft Show Mis-Spoken

While wondering around the Holiday Craft Show at the local fairgrounds, there was an amazing aroma of sugary treats.  I was merrily looking at all the wears, when what do my wondering eyes see…but a beautiful male sitting at a counter.  I was taken aback by how very stunning he was.  Not to sound judging here, but most male vendors are not of the gorgeous GQ status.  This man however, was.

So as I try to gaze at him, he catches my attention, and asks “May I help you?”

In my flustered state I glance at his items for sale.  I respond quickly with, “Oh no thank you, I am just looking at your NUTS, I mean GOODS! “ Then turn the color crimson…..Slink off to join my friends, keeping my face towards the floor.

Of all things that man was selling!!!  He had caramelized pecans, peanuts, cashews….

My friends had a real good laugh at me over this.  I can’t help but wonder though, just how many times has that man heard this uttered???